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Forever Changed

 

Can you see the change in me?  It may not be so obvious to you because I participate in family activities.  I attend family get togethers.  I help plan holiday meals.  You tell me you're glad to see that I don't cry anymore.  But I do cry!  When everyone has gone - when it is safe- the tears fall.  I cry in privacy so my family won't worry.  I cry until I am exhausted and can finally sleep.  You tell me you admire my strength and my positive attitude.  But I am not strong, I feel that I have lost control;  and I panic when I think about tomorrow.... next week.... next year.  I go about the routine of my job.  I complete my assigned tasks.  I drink coffee and smile.  You tell me you are glad to see I'm "over" the death of my son.  But I'm not "over" it, I will never be over it.  If I get over it, I would be the same as before my son died.  I will never be the same.  At times I think I am beginning to heal,  but the pain of losing someone I loved so much has left a permanent scar on my heart.  I visit my family and friends.  You tell me that you're glad to see I'm holding up so well.  But I'm not holding up well.  Sometimes I want to lock the door and hide from the world.  I spend time with my family and friends, I seem calm and collected.  I smile when appropriate.  You tell me it's good to see me back starting to get back to my "old self" But I will never be back to my "old self".  Death and grief, have touched my life.... and I am forever changed, I am still here, but never to be known as you knew me before.

 

Author Unknown